I’m pretty confident to say that if you are a parent, you have had your child publicly melt down. In fact, I specifically remember the day and time when our middle child lay on the floor of Meijer Grocery Store- sprawled out, arms and legs stiff as a board, screaming like a banshee while I stand there gazing down and at a COMPLETE LOSS. I knew I was being judged by those around me and that made the anxiety creep up and overtake any rational thought I had. All I could think about was what the “Gawkers” were thinking and what I should do that “they” think would be acceptable. All of the pressure caused me to fold and I stopped all progression and wept. The tears started flowing.
Looking back at this vivid scenario, I wish I would have taken more action and realized that kids will be kids, this is not the end all be all, everyone has experienced something similar, and if they choose to judge, let them. My advice to my younger self would have given tips, when in this situation, to fizzle out the tantrum and move on with life. But in moment of utter chaos, all rational thought escapes…so I am here to help.
I have learned a few tricks over the years from professionals. When I see a momma in distress with their toddler, I share with them these tips I have learned through research over the years. Tricks that allow the parent to stay in control of the situation and not fold under pressure.
Tantrum prevention
“Tantrums in toddlers are generally caused by boredom, hunger or exhaustion,” says parenting author and speaker Kathy Lynn. “Make sure your kids get some good exercise before being in a situation where they are expected to be calm (like visiting an older relative).”
Do you know you will be waiting at the doctor’s appointment? Try keeping your purse stocked with toys or activities to keep them busy. Avoid taking kids shopping before mealtime or naptime, or bring food with you so your kids are eating at their normal time.
Remove them from the situation
If your child is having a tantrum in a public location, author and licensed family therapist Sharon Gilchrest ONeill, Ed.S, LMFT advises you to pick your child up and leave, showing them their behavior is unacceptable.
“A parent needs to stay calm, and talking rarely works at this point. Once you have your child back at home or up in their room or off in some quiet space — hold them closely and tightly till they have calmed down. You don’t want them to experience abandonment, but to know that you will stay with them and try to understand and eventually talk with them,” she says. “Only when your child has calmed down, talk with them. Explain what you want for the future and that you love them.”
Do something unexpected
“Motion changes emotion. We get kids doing another activity and we put out the emotional fire by remaining calm ourselves,” says author and behavioral consultant Kirk Martin. If your child is having a tantrum, Martin suggests starting another activity, like coloring, and asking them to join you — or do something unexpected!
“Instead of yelling, Dad drops to the floor and begins doing push-ups. This freaks the child out because he wonders, ‘What’s Dad doing push-ups for?’ Dad calmly asks his son, ‘Hey, wanna do ten with me?'” says Martin. “You’re not giving attention to the tantrum; you’re getting them focused on helping you.”
Overscheduled toddlers
“Get comfortable saying no to activities,” says Candi Wingate, President Nannies4Hire. “If your calendar is full to overflowing, and one of your civic organizations asks you to help put on its holiday program, it’s ok to say no. You can’t do everything. Invest your time in what matters most.”
When your schedule is packed with activities, kids may throw tantrums because they are feeling overwhelmed and overworked. “Your kids go to bed feeling shuttled from event to event without having their psychological well-being validated. They may, as a result, feel like you didn’t care about them that day,” says Wingate.
“So, it’s best to take time to say, ‘How was your day?’ Take time to sit patiently as your child answers your question. Ask follow-up questions to reinforce that you are interested in how your child feels about how the day unfolded.”
Final thoughts
Not only is it the title of one of my favorite books, but it is also a good reminder on keeping your toddler happy: Eat, Pray, Love. By keeping their physical needs met (naps and nutritious food) and their emotional needs met, you have the recipe for success in keeping tantrums at bay.
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