Our youngest daughter just turned 17 months old. She is a beautiful little girl with a heart of gold. She loves everyone and knows what she likes and doesn’t like in life at this time. Like, for instance, she knows that she would like to be held by Momma 24/7. Now we know that it isn’t possible for me to do that but to her…THAT is the ONLY way she would like to spend her day. Yes, I will admit it, my daughter has become “clingy.” She loves the word, “No,” and uses it with vigor. In fact, she sat in her high chair the other night and screamed as if her life depended on it because I wasn’t holding her while she ate her dinner. I realized <quickly> that she needed a bit of a reality check when it came to mommy and holding time. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for holding your children and loving on them as much as possible. This isn’t the case in my home. We are throwing tantrums whenever we are getting set down and it is getting OLD. So what is a momma to do? RESEARCH!
I took to the internet and Googled “Clingy children”…Yep…I did. With a 17-month-old little baby girl on my hip, I Googled what to do to help clingy babies become less “clingy.” What I actually learned FLOORED me and allowed me to re-examine the approach I was taking on her “clinginess.” Here is what may different sites reported on the child who would love nothing more than to be held all day.
Ten Tips To Help a Child Who Is Anxious and Clingy:
1) Do not ignore, overtly discourage, or punish clingy behavior: When young children exhibit clingy behavior, it is generally viewed as a positive sign that your child feels close and secure in your care and seeks you out for comfort when they are feeling distressed. Responding to clingy behavior by ignoring or punishing it may make your child less likely to come to you when she is feeling scared or vulnerable.
2) Be responsive to your child’s needs and feelings: Try to identify what might be causing the clinginess and describe her feelings so she begins to understand it. For example, “You wish mommy could play with you right now. I wish I could play too but I have to do work. I promise to play with you when I’m finished.” By describing her feelings and expressing your own feelings of wanting to be there for her, she will feel understood and be less likely to need your physical presence as reassurance.
3) Increase predictability: Try to make things more predictable for your child by making the schedule or routine as concrete as possible. Although we know our children’s schedule, they may not. Young children do not have a clear sense of time, live mostly in the here and now, and have shorter memory spans. Using pictures to depict their weekly schedule (especially when it changes every two to three days), telling them what to expect next, and reminding them when you will be available to spend time with them (e.g., “Remember, our special playtime is after dinner”) will help reduce anxiety by bringing a sense of orderliness and structure to their day.
4) Build autonomy: Children build self-confidence through mastering new tasks and contributing to their environment in a helpful way. Create tasks that your child can help you with at home such as setting the table, cooking, or cleaning up their toys. The more confident a child feels in their abilities, the more secure they will feel in any environment.
5) Praise steps toward independence: Praise your child for tasks or activities that they are able to do independently (e.g., household chores, playing nicely on their own or with peers). Praising your child for doing things independently sends the message that they are capable of doing things for themselves and should feel confident without your close supervision and guidance.
6) Schedule special playtime: Some children feel a constant need for affection because they are unsure when or if the attention will be available. Schedule 5 to 10 minutes every day when you can provide your child with undivided attention (i.e., no computer, conversations with others, cell phones, or other distractions).
7) Separations and Saying Goodbye: Use a consistent phrase when saying goodbye. Be brief, do not linger, and do not overreact if your child gets upset after saying goodbye. Overreacting will only feed into her anxiety and make it worse, while lingering will increase the likelihood that she will continue to cry or seek your affection to prolong your stay each time.
8) Don’t sneak out when you leave: Some parents find it easier to sneak out when children have a hard time or throw a tantrum each time they leave. However, this will only increase your child’s anxiety and clinginess because they will be scared to engage in any activity too long for fear that you may sneak out and disappear at any moment.
9) Increase social activities: Socializing with children of the same age can help children develop attachments to their peers and can build social skills necessary for interacting with people outside of the immediate family. Set up regular play dates with a peer of your child’s choice from school or schedule a class or weekly trips to the park.
10) Stay with your child during social activities: Play with your child and their friends until they are comfortable playing on their own. Be available during play dates to teach and model social skills, respond to conflict, and monitor situations that may cause stress or anxiety.
Finally, clinginess is usually temporary and passes after children adjust to changes and develop skills to be more independent and interact with their peers. But if clinginess continues and leads to lengthy tantrums and resistant behavior when separated from parents and refusal to go to school or engage in social activities, you may want to consult a mental health specialist.
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