I specifically remember being in the first grade and another child saying to me…
“Mary, You’re pretty!”
Which I replied…”THANK YOU!!!”
Then he said….
“PRETTY UGLY!”
Wowsers…I am now 35 years old and that seems like it was just YESTERDAY! Our words pierce…and they stick. That little bullying act affected me for YEARS until I realized it was simply a way for someone to just be mean. Kids are mean and unless we teach them what kindness truly is, how can we expect them to show it towards others? We teach kids math, reading, writing, science, etc. but sometimes expect that they will naturally know how to treat others.
My oldest has shown compassion for others since she was a baby. She wouldn’t hurt a fly and cries when others get hurt. It is her disposition. I didn’t teach her that, I didn’t model that for her, it came naturally. So it was quite the shock to me that when her little sister came along, she started getting a bit jealous and treating her “not so nice.” It started with slight pushing, stealing her sister’s toy, etc. until one day I heard her name calling.
I was FURIOUS and really yelled at her about how we treat others. MOM FAIL #I lost count! This whole time I could have been modeling how to treat those closest to us just as wonderfully as we treat friends. In fact, this is a work in progress as I type this. Having been a former teacher, I know how to tackle Bullying in the classroom and the plan I used back then is the plan I am going to implement in my own home.
It goes something like this…tweaked a bit from the classroom of course:
1. Model kind behavior.
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. If you tell your child to be kind, but you are modeling negative, unkind behavior – your words will have little impact on their behavior. Children do as they see – not as you tell them to do. Be a wonderful role model for your child.
Show your child respect when redirecting them or disciplining them. Speak to your spouse with kindness. Your children will learn from your example.
2. Highlight people’s emotions around you.
If your child has a hard time reading social cues, practice a game I like to call “Guess the Feeling.” Sit at a park or a mall and watch people. If you love people watching – this game shouldn’t be too hard.
Find someone showing an extreme emotion – such as excitement, sadness or anger. Ask your child, “What do you think they’re feeling?” Ask them to make up a story about what may be happening.
This helps children identify non-verbal clues as to how others feel and helps them put meaning behind emotions.
3. Reassess how you tease your children – is it demeaning, taunting or degrading?
Some families love to tease each other, but some children can’t take intense teasing. Some parents do not think their teasing is cruel – but if your child reacts by crying and storming off – chances are they are feeling degraded.
Would you want your child to make fun of peers the way you are making fun of them? Some parents might think they are just “toughening up” their children or being playful, but kids will often take it out on their peers.
Children learn how to be playful by the tone their family sets. If mean spirited taunting is acceptable at home – then children will think it is acceptable elsewhere.
4. Point out how their behavior affects those around them.
When your child’s behavior is affecting those around them – point it out. Let your child know how they are affecting others without shaming them.
5. Teach your children the joys of helping others.
Be an example for your children and help strangers, friends and family. Let them know that it feels good to help others – even if you get nothing back. Set up opportunities for you to help others as a family.
Teach your child that even small acts of kindness go along way. Express to your child why you are holding the door for another person, letting someone get in front of you in traffic or helping someone when their hands are full. Explain that it is nice to be helpful, even if the person doesn’t say thank you or appreciate it. You should give to give – not give to get.
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