Teaching Manners in Toddlers

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Your two-year-old is being complimented by your neighbor and when they have given the compliment, your child sticks their tongue out at them. Or how about this one…Your three-year-old is at the dinner table and doesn’t like dinner so s/he throws their plate of food on the floor. If either of these sound remotely familiar, you are not alone and the light can be seen at the end of the tunnel if you just look for it. Kids don’t come pre-loaded with manners…in fact, the exact opposite. Kids are taught their manners by watching their parents and adults around them interact with others along with desiring direction when they are steering the wrong way. Despite the chaos in your home, kids actually crave order and routine. They want to know what the reaction of their parent or caretaker will be when they act a certain way. So….How does one combat these “manners” when they seem less desirable? Lucky for you, I have a list of to-do’s to help set your toddler up for success.

1. Praise Your Child’s Use of Manners 

Praise your child whenever you catch him using good manners. For young children, this may mean saying, “Great job remembering to say ‘thank you.'”

Praise older kids for putting their phone away when they’re at the dinner table or for shaking hands when greeting a new person.

If you’ve got a younger child, provide praise right away. Say, “You did a nice job thanking Grandma for that gift.”

2. Model Polite Behavior 

When your child sees you speaking politely to others and using your manners, he’ll pick up on that.

Pay attention to how you interact with your spouse or close family members. Sometimes, it’s easy to forget to use manners with the people you feel most comfortable with.

Send thank-you notes, ask for things politely, and show appreciation when people are kind. Whether you’re in line at the grocery store or you’re calling your doctor’s office, your kids are paying attention to your behavior.

And be careful about how you handle situations when you’re upset. If you’re angry with someone, do you tend to raise your voice? Do you use harsh words when you think someone has treated you unfairly? Your message about the importance of using manners won’t be heard if you don’t model how to behave politely and respectfully.

3. Role-Play Tricky Situations 

This gives kids an opportunity to practice their skills. It can be a helpful strategy when you’re entering into a new situation or when you’re facing some complicated circumstances.

If your 5-year-old has invited friends to her birthday party, role-play how to use manners while opening presents. Help her practice how to thank people for his gift and how to respond if he opens a gift that he doesn’t particularly like.

Sit down with your child and say, “What would you do if…” and then see what he has to say. Pretend to be a friend or another adult and see how your child responds to specific situations. Then, provide feedback and help your child discover how to behave politely and respectfully in various scenarios.

4. Provide a Brief Explanation 

Avoid lecturing or telling long-winded tales. Instead, simply state the reason why a specific behavior may not be appreciated.

Kids are more likely to remember their manners and specific etiquette rules when you provide a brief explanation about why a particular behavior is considered impolite or rude.

If your child is chewing with his mouth open say, “People don’t want to see the food in your mouth when they’re trying to eat.” If you make a big deal about it, you may inadvertently encourage the behavior to continue.

But, if you can just state the reason in a calm and matter-of-fact manner, it can serve as a reminder for your child about why other people may not appreciate what he’s doing.

5. Keep Your Expectations Age-Appropriate 

Make sure that your expectations are appropriate to your child’s age and developmental level. You can start working with a toddler on the basics of saying “please,” “thank you,” and “sorry.”

By the time your child’s a teenager, you should be focusing on advanced skills like phone etiquette and more complex communication skills.

Sometimes it’s helpful to really focus on one area at a time—like basic table manners—before moving onto other skills. If you give your child too much to learn at once he may become overwhelmed.