Sibling rivalry…UGH!
It amazes me how much I was wrong. Wrong about how parenting really went, wrong about how simple I believed parenting to be, wrong that I thought our girls would just “get along” without my husband and I intervening….LOTS of wrongs to try to make RIGHT with trial and error. To this day, we are still learning and adapting to a new way of life with 3 girls. Our oldest two are so different…complete opposites. Honestly, I LOVE the fact that they are different from one another and have different interests. That being said, I was unaware of how difficult it would be to mesh the two personalities together and have them get along. For some reason I assumed that the two lovely ladies would magically understand each others differences, love one another and want to spend every waking moment together…BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Being naive as a parent can be one the most beautiful things or, in my case, one of the most detrimental things.
Of course, I started the research frenzy on “sibling rivalry” only to realize that I was looking at it all wrong. Parents should never sit back and watch a beautiful relationship unfold with time. Instead, they should be right there in the nitty gritty and facilitating, weaving positive vibes throughout, and then once two personalities understand each other, sitting back and watching the masterpiece unfold. The best advice I read from a renounced child psychologist was the following: The BIGGEST mistake parents make when introducing a new sibling into the mix is understanding that both little people, aka children/siblings/etc., are strangers that are being forced to live with one another and get along…that this new little one is invading the first born’s space and it doesn’t come with a seamless transition. WOW…that was HUGE for me! Even though I felt as though I prepared my first born for the baby, I had a lot of work to do to continue the transition…for YEARS…not just the time being.
If your kids are opposites, don’t get along, argue and bicker constantly, and have a hard time “loving” one another (like what our girls have gone through), then these next 8 tips are for you!
Make the older sibling feel important. Give your child a job in the family organization. To pull the child out of the “I want to be a baby, too” belief, play up her importance to you, personally and practically. Give her a job title, such as “mommy’s helper.”
Time share. What bothers children most is sharing you with the new baby. Since the concept of sharing is foreign to the child under three (as mom is their most important “possession”), it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to sell the child on the concept of sharing mother. It sounds good to say that you’ll give your older child equal amounts of your time, but in practice that’s unrealistic and unnecessary. New babies require a lot of maintenance, and you don’t have 200 percent of yourself to give. We wear our infant in a baby sling, which gives us two free hands to play a game with the older one. While feeding baby, we read a book to the sibling, or just have cuddle time.
Begin the day in harmony. If possible, start most days with “special time” with your toddler. Sometimes starting the day with twenty minutes of intensive care—holding time—with your toddler can ward off angry feelings in the toddler toward the new baby and is a good investment in the rest of the day.
Foster a team spirit. We often take our children with us on family trips. They soon learned that with privileges come responsibilities, so they learned how to act in a group. The home and family is the first social relationship that kids learn. They learned how people treat people and that everyone in that group has individual rights. They developed a group sensitivity, which is an important tool for life. In fact, disciplining siblings is really giving them the tools to succeed in life.
Promote empathy. Disciplining siblings is giving them the tools to succeed in life, and one of the most important tools that has life-long social implications is the quality of empathy. This is another way of stating the Golden Rule – “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Help your children learn how to get behind the eyes of another person and think first how their behavior is going to affect that other person. We want our children to think through what they’re about to do. A lack of empathy is the hallmark of sociopathic relationships between adult siblings.
Every child is a favorite. It’s unrealistic for parents to claim they never play favorites. Some parents’ and some childrens’ personalities clash; others mesh. Some children bring out the best in their parents; others push the wrong buttons. The key is to not let your children perceive this as favoritism. Better yet, make them all feel special. If your child asks you a question, “Who do you love more – me or Matthew?” give the politically correct answer – “I love you both in special ways.” Give the comparison that love is like sunshine – sharing the sun doesn’t mean you get less, and our love shines on our children like sunshine. Mention special qualities: “You are my firstborn, and no one else can be my firstborn child” (or second, or first daughter, etc.). Don’t fall into the “who’s best” trap. Children don’t expect you to say who’s better, they are only fishing for reassurance about how you feel about them.
Minimize comparisons. This is also the basis for feelings of inferiority, which encourages undesirable behavior among siblings. Praise your child for accomplishments in relation to herself and not in comparison to a sibling. Each child can feel she is special in the eyes of her parents. Children are constantly being compared. Most of their life they will be rated on their performance: grades in school, the batting order on the baseball team, races and games among themselves. The home is the only organization left that values a child for himself and not in comparison with others. So, avoid comments like, “Why can’t you make good grades like your brother?”
Siblings are forever. As parents of many children we wear many hats – teacher, referee, coach, psychologist, and field-general. Yet, we wear our communications hat to help our children be life-long friends. Sometime during middle childhood (ages 6 through 10), impress upon your children what “brother” or “sister” really means. Children sense that “blood is thicker than water.” Brothers and sisters are a sort of live-in support system. Here’s the message we give our children: “Your brothers and sisters will ultimately be your best friends. Once your other friends have moved or drifted away, your family friends will always be there when you need them. Friends come and go; siblings are forever.”
For more information on Sibling Rivalry and how to combat it, check out this site I found very useful: https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/discipline-behavior/bothersome-behaviors/sibling-rivalry/20-tips-stop-quibbling
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